HUMOR
FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the
baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where
a three-year-old was resisting
a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole
left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's
round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat
grinder and got a little behind in
his work.
To write with a broken pencil is
pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes
take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped
from prison was a small medium at
large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve
months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet
cement. He became a hardened
criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden
could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers
because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in
The math professor went crazy with the
blackboard. He did a number on
it.
The professor discovered that her
theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.
The dead batteries were given out free
of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run
you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth
and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two
tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies
like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that
counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in
motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can
get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name
and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine
shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back
four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery
machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in
Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you
can't budge it.
Local Area Network in
He broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint
yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was
never developed.
A plateau is a high form of
flattery.
Those who get too big for their
britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center
you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a
When she saw her first strands of gray
hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate
clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done